dr. stasche and the river rat... or the day ellie was born

**just a warning... this is a loooong post so if you don't have a couple ten fifteen minutes to spare.... come back soon.

it all started around 6am on may 11, 2011. i was told to call up palomar labor and delivery and "see if they have room". so i did and got a hold of a very nasty type nurse

"hi! i'm supposed to call and see what time to come in for an induction?"

note my tone of hope...

"psh! ugh... call back at 11 and we'll see if we even have room for you."

note the tone of nasty...

so i hung up and stewed in my rage for a bit and then remembered that nurses work 12 hour shifts usually ending around 7... so... i called back at 8am, hoping for a nice nurse this time.

"hi. my doctor wants me to be induced today. what time should i come in?"

i used my big girl voice this time... learned it from my sister...

"oh! what was your name? spelts? can you come in right now??"

booyah! that's right, palomar! so i jumped out of bed and screamed at matt to get a move on! we're having a baby today!! i ran to the shower and shaved my legs (gotta have smooth legs for a delivery), scarfed down some fruity loopies (breakfast of champions), and hopped in the car - ready to go.

we arrived at the hospital at 8:45am and waited to check-in. did i warn you that this might be a long post yet??? you have been warned.

at the check-in counter there was a young girl (no more than 23??) who was very pregnant and seemed to be practicing her lamaze breathing....

"hee hee hooooo... hee hee hoooo... is this your first?"

"uh no... i have a two and a half year old named jack. is this your first??"

i worried she was gonna have her baby in front of me.

"oh no... it's my third."

gong! my jaw hit the floor. pick it up sam. i managed an...

"oh my..."

"ya... i had my first son and then got pregnant again 6 weeks after he was born... GONG! oh here's your jaw... and then i got pregnant with this one 9 months after the second. my mom says i'm just fertile!"

i couldn't help myself..

"oh girl...."

i did however refrain from telling her what I would say she was... we finally bid our new "fertile" friend goodbye and checked into our room at 9am. our nurse started filling out paperwork for us

"did you want an epidural today? did you want your tubes tied after delivery?"

"yes to the epidural and no to the tubes but now that you mention it, i just met a girl in the hall who i think may need that service..."

so around 11am our doctor cruised in to meet us. yes. we waited two hours to see a doctor. but he was a sight. have any of you ever played angry birds? then you may be familiar with our attending physician, "dr. stasche". i managed to snap a quick photo of him...

theeeeeeeere we go... anyway, he checked me and told me he would start me on pitocin right away and we would see how that goes... flash forward 13 hours of a few contractions and then nothing... bump up the pitocin... a few contractions and then nothing... bump up the pitocin. meanwhile, my super nice crunchy granola nurse leaves for the night and we met our night nurse, a very nice filipino lady named cheryl who looked like she would take very good care of us. midnight rolls around and everything changed. a woman walked into my room.

she looked like she spent every weekend baking in her beach chair next to "the river" wearing her rolled up, unbuttoned bongo jean shorts and a neon green bikini top, with a coors in one hand and her pack of ciggies in the other. she alternates trips to the river with trips to the desert and trips to her garage to bleach the $%#* out of her hair, i'm sure.

"where's cheryl??"

note the terror in my voice...

"oh she had to go work in the nursery. why?"

ummm... because you're not her and frankly, you scare me. instead i mumbled...

"just wondering..."

"well, i'm the river rat, i'll be your new nurse. i think you'll like me."

oh i doubt it.

enter dr. stasche to break my water. he tells me to hold out for my epidural until i'm "uncomfortable" and directs the river rat to call him "when the baby is crowning". wonderful. did i mention matt had been playing angry birds this whole time? like 13 hours worth? we started calling him "slayer"....

so now it's 3am and i'm "uncomfortable". my pitocin is turned up to 15 (max is 20). carisa (holla!) is standing at the end of my bed breathing with me - i wouldn't let her hold my hand or touch me... i started getting cranky. i've told the river rat that i would like my epidural and she returns a couple minutes later...

"okay, i told them you want an epidural but the anesthesiologist is doing a c-section and there's another woman ahead of you who's screaming so you're third in line..."

oooookay. so an hour and a half goes by and matt wakes up (yes, wakes up) because someone let a sailor loose in our room... or i was a little more than "uncomfortable" and a little more than "cranky". i'd been waiting an hour and a half for my epidural, okay? matt stumbled sleepily over to the bed...

"hey, did you get your epidural?"

"GET OUT OF HERE AND FIND MY EPIDURAL!!! DON'T COME BACK WITHOUT IT!!"

roared the sailor. matt looked scared. just then, the river rat walked in with dr. gorilla the anesthesiologist (not his real name but i can't remember the real one).

"oh thank god! gimme the epidural! put it in my back! i really need to push i think!!!"

dr. gorilla turns to the river rat and says...

"did she fill out the paperwork for the epidural?"

"oh you're KIDDING me!! no! just put it in my back! i NEED TO PUSH!!"

"you're probably not as far along as you think, sweetie.... just let me find that paper..... we can check you once you're epidural is in..."

ohmahgawd. at this point i had not been "checked" since midnight. i was at the same time thinking i was going to pass out and puke on myself. i think i screamed at the river rat that i was "sitting on my baby" and they were having a hard time getting my epidural in. finally they got the line for the epidural in and dr. gorilla stepped away to "get the medicine" so the river rat said she would check me...

"oh! (beep beep boop boop) dr. stasche?! you need to come to room 252 right now... i think you might miss the birth of this baby. okay honey you just need to push right now."

for real? for REAL?!?! seriously. so i pushed that baby out! dr. stasche arrived just in time to catch ellie and dr. gorilla got the tester tube of medicine in... while they cleaned her off. perfect...

in the end it was a crazy day but our lady came like gangbusters at 4:57am on may 12, 2011 and she was totally worth it.